dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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