I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
