the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
