i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
