Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
