woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
