My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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