I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
