My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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