Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I need a burrito and a hug.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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