I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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