Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
