Your mouth is God's brothel.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
