just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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