he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
