totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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