direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
