Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
