Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
