you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
