Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
