cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
