hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
