Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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