I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
soo... how was my night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
