you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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