cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Drunk is not a location!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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