im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
