I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
