Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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