Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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