peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
