woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
