hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
