So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
