Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sext me about skeletons
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
