the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
