In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize