Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
