If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
