My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
