No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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