I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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