at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
