your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
