Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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