If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
one might say we're banned from that church
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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