just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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