First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
