Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
