Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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