I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
